


fearless (with your hand in mine)

by cosmicphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Introspection, M/M, Phandom Little Pop 2017, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 07:06:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9645626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicphan/pseuds/cosmicphan
Summary: It’s 2016, and Phil finally understands what being fearless means.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this was written for the phandom little pop 2017, i had so much fun writing this.

-2009-

 

He’s so young and Dan’s so, so young and bright and wonderful. Dan’s soul burns with a fire, his thoughts passionate, his actions loud. Dan is so much at once and Phil wants to consume all of that. And it’s scary because everything is so new. It has been two weeks since he replied to the pretty boy with an even prettier icon who kept commenting on his videos and replying to his tweets, but Phil has difficulty keeping Dan out of his head.

 

And yes, they exchanged numbers, of course they did and now Phil falls asleep to Dan ranting about a show or an album, to assuring that he doesn’t mind if Dan gets too loud for a quiet night. Phil is still in awe of how this person, this person with so many thoughts, with so much to give decides to share himself with someone like Phil. He cherishes it. He keeps this feeling of lying on his bed with his blanket on and Dan’s animated face on his laptop in his ribcage, tucked behind his heart.

 

He meets him and Phil’s entre world seems to fall in place, because Dan is by his side. He is not just a pixelated image, he’s real and warm and solid and Phil hugs him for far too long when they first meet. But he doesn’t care. Dan doesn’t care too because Dan holds him for as long. Dan’s smile is so bright, it casts a shadow on all his doubts and insecurities.

 

He feels himself falling in love before his lips meet Dan’s. Soft, gentle, a hand around his waist, one in his hair, a kiss that seals Phil’s fate and he accepts it, graciously. A thoroughly kissed Dan, he decides, is the most beautiful person he has laid eyes on.

 

They make a lot of videos. People are nosy, they want to know everything. And so, Dan becomes his best friend online. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the whole truth. Not when he kisses Dan first thing in the morning when they are together. But fear closes around him; the need to keep Dan sheltered and away from cruelty is more persistent than reality. And so he lies and smiles, locks his heart with fear and love and throws the key towards the future.

 

-2012-

 

There’s peace and tranquillity one day and the next day it’s chaos.

 

There’s a bitter taste in Phil’s mouth all the time, the same mouth that said all the pretty words. Fear has its hand around his throat now again and he can’t breathe.  
Dan and him are okay. They will always be. But his terror translates into words unsaid while talking to Dan. Hushed words replace chatter and there’s nothing serene left in the quiet.

 

He doesn’t want the world to know about them. Dan does.  
It’s simple. And terrifying.

 

The discord bleeds into every aspect of their life. Breakfast conversions, always quiet and contemplative turn ugly in seconds. There are no shouts, just words laced with something bitter and too sweet smiles.

 

Unsettlement feels like a constant thrum in his bones. 

 

Dan lashes out, and he can’t blame him, when he acts like nothing is out of ordinary online, when Dan remembers to sit at an arm’s length during liveshows and looks at him with distrust.

 

Phil does the only thing he knows to do and acts normal. That somehow hurts Dan more than anything, and Phil understands.  
But they kiss every night and sleep in each other’s arms, hurt but always together.

And slowly, it becomes okay.

Dan lights up when he says Phil’s name and they draw whiskers on each other when they film phil is not on fire 5. Everything feels static and pleasant.

 

But Phil still feels the thrum in his bones, because Dan’s eyes sparkle looking at Phil even on camera and trusting the internet was never Phil’s forte.

 

-2016-

 

He feels different this year. Everything is blurred around the edges, he doesn’t know if it’s from exhaustion from performing TATINOF or the sudden emancipation he feels from not having to hide things so much.  
When they film now, Phil gives himself the liberty to stare at Dan talk. Previously too scared to look at Dan and let the vulnerability show, he finds himself in awe of all the parts of Dan he has worshipped before light up with a glow when he’s talking to the camera. ‘Love-Eyes-Lester’, the fan base calls it, and he can’t deny the title.  
He finds comfort and solace in the title and wears it with pride when they film the gaming videos together as his eyes fixate on Dan’s bright ones.

 

There’s a roar of the crowd.

 

“I’ve spent the majority of 2016 with another person and I think it’s only fair that he comes up here too.”

 

The audience’s roars are overwhelming, but his smile, his Dan’s smile keeps him grounded. It grows wider, impossibly so as he comes up to the stage. There is a faint blush riding on his cheeks (difficult to tell if you have not spent years studying the enigma that is Dan Howell). It takes Phil a second to come to his decision. He kisses Dan, gentle and mellow. Dan’s eyes up close have never been so brighter, his smile never so breath-taking. The crowd’s cries are just white noise now. With the steady, warm weight of Dan’s hand in his, Phil has never felt so fearless before.

 

He kisses Dan, right near his mouth, a spot he had cherished for years, hidden in his heart, fear like an ugly veneer masking the veracity. He lets his mouth linger on the spot, feels Dan exhale and relax. And just like that one gesture, feels the trepidation leave.

He turns to the crowd, award in one hand, and Dan’s hand, secure and solid in the other.

 

And he feels fearless.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked this! phil is always very interesting to write and i wanted to try a different perspective with the whole 2012 thing.
> 
> [reblog on my tumblr if you loved it!](http://miicrowavelester.tumblr.com/post/157053412645/fearless-with-your-hand-in-mine)


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